Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ho Ho Ho-ly Crap, Who's THAT Guy???

The holiday season is upon us!  Everywhere you look there are signs of festive decor in shops, on houses, even on cars.  Kids are busy hammering out letters to Santa, moms are baking Christmas cookies, and everyone is gearing up for a festive evenings of making merry in anticipation of the Big Day.

My two dogs are suitably unimpressed.

I wanted to get a good photo of the dogs in the spirit of the season to commemorate their second Christmas with us.  I was not going to even attempt to stick fake reindeer antlers on them as that would obviously end in disaster (remember the fun with Leila's graduation hat?) and frankly it's rather creepy.  On a routine visit to the pet store to get yet another 40 pound bag of dog food, I spied a sign in the window regarding having your pet's picture taken with Santa today with the proceeds going to a local homeless animal charity.

Given Leila's ongoing abject fear of strangers, this was a project so destined for epic failure that I simply could not pass it up.

As soon as we got to the table where the Santa photo set was set up, Leila put the brakes on.  Forget the fat guy in red, she was already giving attitude to the kind ladies who were trying to guide her over to the corner and set up the photo.  She immediately sat down and arched her head back in an attempt to yank the leash out of the gal's hand.  It was painfully obvious that she wanted no part of this trio of weird people she did not know, so my kids jumped to the rescue and tried to coax her in by going in themselves.  Bodie sauntered right up and happily accepted the ear scratches and pets from Santa.  His attitude has always been "Rather than one for me and one for her, give two to me!"  He's no fool.  We managed to drag Leila to within the general zip code of the scary man sitting in the chair, but keeping her there
proved a challenge.  My daughter kept reeling her in like she was deep-sea fishing, but Leila kept a safe distance by keeping my  daughter between herself and Santa.  Finally the photographer lady realized this was as good as we were going to get and started clapping her hands and squeaking a toy to get the dogs to look in the direction of the camera.  Leila had a look that could only be interpreted as "Clap all you want, lady, but I'm not taking my eyes off this creepy guy!!!"  Bodie sniffed around knowing full well there were treats in this guy's pocket and could care less about a squeaky plastic chicken being waved in the air.  Finally the lady snapped the photo and we were off to the checkout stand to pay for it while it printed.  Leila sensed the worst was over and bolted from the set like she was shot out of a cannon.

When we returned to the Santa table to claim our memorable moment, the photographer told us that she accidentally cut off most of my son's head in the photo so we were going to have to re-do it.  I hated to break the news to Leila who was already hiding behind me in case the scary red Santa spied her again.  "Sorry girl" I told her.  "Just one more time, you can do it."  My son led Bodie back to the far side of Santa chair while my daughter tried to maneuver Leila back towards the Den of Horror.  Leila shot us her best "Oh HELL no!!" look and immediately tried to escape behind the giant green cardboard backdrop, pushing it over in the process and almost crowning Santa on the noggin.  By now a small crowd is forming to watch the antics of Santa trying to cajole a terrified 82-pound sissy.  By this point I feel I should probably intervene rather than snap photos and wipe tears of laughter from my face, so I get down on my hands and knees and push her still-seated butt across the linoleum floor towards the seated Santa and my daughter.  Meanwhile, Santa has given Bodie a treat that he happily devoured, so Bodie is sitting in front of Santa, back to the camera, just as I taught him, in order to score some more.  As I scoot Leila into the frame, I use my other hand to scoot Bodie around so his face is facing the camera. This is no small task, mind you, since Bodie weighs over 90 pounds and I'm still trying to hold onto Leila so as not to lose the progress I have made thus far.  Leila refuses to look at Santa, figuring that if she doesn't see him, he is not really there and all is well.  Her pleading eyes watch me and the photo ladies as if to say "Hurry up and get it over with!"  I roll myself out of the frame just as the lady snaps the photo and says "I got it!"  Applause erupts from the audience.  Bodie scores more pats from Santa and Leila exits, Stage Left.

The photo is printed and when the helper lady pulls it off the  printer, she starts to laugh.  "Uh....." she says.  "I think we need to take it again.  Santa has had a slight wardrobe malfunction."  I look at the photo and Santa's fake belly has shifted and is oozing out of the front of his jacket and into his lap, looking very Cinemax After Dark, if you know what I mean.  "Put that away, Santa, this is a family show!" I pipe up. By this point the ladies cannot contain themselves and are in hysterics.  Yes, Leila, your greatest fear has returned...we have to do it again.

This time Santa decides he had better remain standing.  After tucking his belly up and securing it in place, we tried to trot the dogs back in.  Even Bodie is starting to get fed up with this project now.  Tired and cranky, the dogs are panting with tongues hanging out approximately five feet, it seems.  Moving at light speed, we get Bodie into place and then whisk Leila over towards Santa while keeping her attention on me by waving a treat at her.  She hesitates for just a second and that's all the opening the photographer needed to snap her little Kodak Easy Share camera to capture the moment.  "I think we're done!" the lady says, and Bodie bolts from the corner, done for the day.  Lump of coal will be just fine, sir.

The lady gives me the photo and both dogs have glowing green eyes like some sort of cyborg canines from space.  Seems only fitting, since by now Leila no doubt has phasers set to "stun."  I thank them all and as we proceed to the parking lot, I can still hear the laughter behind us.  My kids are cracking up and I am trying to figure out where to buy my dog supplies in the future since I can no doubt never show my face in that store again.  At least we were able to leave without Leila laying waste to the entire backdrop or chewing off Santa's leg.  I guess it's back to the drawing board with Leila's fear of strangers.  As long as they are not wearing red suits and sporting big white beards, we might have a fighting chance.

Anyone have any fake reindeer antlers I can borrow?

Stay tuned.....

 My sincerest thanks to the kind folks of PetSmart and the volunteers of
Delta Animals Safe Haven for their understanding and great sense of humor.