There are certain things in life that we really don't want to do. Getting up early Monday mornings to go to work. Paying our taxes. Going to the dentist. But, being the responsible adults that we are, we do them anyway because we know it's for our own good. Preventative measures, especially for our health, might be an annoyance at the moment, but they are better for us in the long run. (I always tell my daughter, getting a mammogram is the least favorite thing on earth, but it sure beats the alternative.)
On the other hand, when a dog is faced with something he or she doesn't want to do, they will not do. Period. End of story. Good preventative measures be damned, there is no "long-term" to a dog, there is just the here and now, and the here and now says nope, sorry, ain't gonna happen.
Case in point is Leila and her sensitive ears. Even on her first puppy exam the vet noticed she had a bit of redness and wax in her ears and gave me a bottle of ear solution to squirt in there twice a day as a preventative measure. Being the naive puppy, Leila let me do it once, in one ear. After that it was a full-fledged WWE cage match to try and get the other ear done. Needless to say, we opted to just let her ears do their thing unless ear meds were warranted.
Fast forward to today. Leila is considerably bigger, heavier and stronger than she was at the last attempt, and now she has been shaking her head a lot and sometimes scratching at her ear. Dreading the outcome, I took her to the vet so they could assess the issue. I warned the vet that she is "not terribly cooperative" when it comes to ear meds. Apparently that was the watered-down version. It took one vet, three technicians and a big burly 20-something, 200+ pound orderly to hold her down, and she STILL wriggled away. The vet got a passing glance at her right ear and not so much as a peep in the left. His advice to me? Put the ear drops in twice a day until she stops scratching at it. Seriously? If the vet-trained Gang of Five can't get the meds in her, what hope do I possibly have? If I can get ear drops in there twice a YEAR I'd consider it a national holiday. But if I don't, her ear irritation could turn into a full-blown ear infection and then the need will be required (while she is in pain, no less). The vet said that if we couldn't do it, we'd have to bring her back in for a sedative so they could have a look in there and administer meds. I told him if I had to do it at home, I was the one that would need the sedative! He laughed. I didn't.
At first we tried the "strong-hold" method of one of us holding her down on the couch or in a corner while the other squirted in the meds. She fought, wiggled, climbed, and did an amazing shuck-and-jive and eluded our grasp. Then we resorted to the "sneak attack", where I would invite her to lie her head on my lap while I stroked her and rubbed her ears and got her to relax. Then like a teenager on a date, I stretched my arm up and over in the direction of the end table where the bottle was waiting. My fingers hadn't even reached it yet when her head shot up, eyes focused on my hand, and she was up and out the door in milliseconds. Another plan in ruins. Finally we tried the "Hey look, it's Elvis!" routine, getting her attention looking the other way at a treat while I came around the back and tried to ambush the ear. Not even close.
When all else fails, plop on the couch and watch TV, I always say. I turned on an episode of "The Dog Whisperer" in hopes of gleaning some enlightenment. Surely Caesar would know what to do, right? If it's on TV it must be true! I was pretty sure the episode would not feature a pissy tween-age Bernese who did not want to take her meds, but I was desperate at this point. Or maybe I just wanted to see other people whose dogs did not play by their rules to make me feel better. Losers unite!!!
The episode was about a mangy terrier-beagle thing that looked like it was made out of spare parts. This dog would attack other dogs on walks and was quite unruly. Caesar took command and with a few corrections on the leash, this dog was walking alongside his master like he was headed right for the Westminster Kennel Club stage. All of their problems solved in ten minutes flat! Oh, if only we could apply video-editing to real life! I could really use that trick!I realized that Caesar's ten-minutes-to-perfection lesson was a tad overstated, but he did bring up a few good points. Leila usually responds pretty well to corrections on the leash (something I admittedly don't do often enough) so maybe I can employ that tactic to let her know I do not appreciate her hell-no-I-won't-go! behavior when it comes to ear goo. It was worth a shot, since I had exhausted all other avenues.
I picked up Leila's leash and training collar and called her over. Thinking we were going for a walk, she got all happy-feet on me which was making me feel like the biggest horse's ass on the planet. Bodie danced around as well, wondering where his leash was. I figured I should probably have put Bodie outside since he will only fan the flames when she starts to panic, but too late for that. One trauma at a time. I picked up the ear solution bottle and Leila immediately went on red alert, yanking the leash backward in an attempt to get away. I held firm and barked "No!" and tried to get her to stand in one place. She thrashed from side to side while scrambling backwards, pulling me over in the process. This type of workout would be exciting if trying to reel in an 80-pound marlin while deep-sea fishing. In my own home with a year-old puppy, not so much. The leash slips from my hand and Leila bolts. Score: Leila 1, me 0.
Trying to retrieve the leash and accompanying dog is a workout in itself. Leila has perfected the art of the bob-and-weave, managing to stay one step ahead of me and using Bodie as a canine shield. He thinks it's all great fun and is jumping and barking, only adding to the carnage. She gets to the far side of the island stove in the kitchen and will undoubtedly go right when I go left. This might take us all night. Finally she retreats into the entryway and I pounce upon the leash and drag her forward, all the while trying to calm her down. Her terrified face is making me feel guilty while wondering just how much of their other training I have completely erased with this act of defiance. She is managing to stay as far away from me as possible while we are still connected by the leash, in a sort of face-off. This is getting old. My soothing words of "It's okay, baby, come here Leila, it's okay" are now replaced with "Get over here you bitch!!!" Finally I work my way down the leash so there is only about three inches showing, and command her to sit. In one swift move, I flip back her ear, twist open the solution bottle cap and squirt in her ear, only to see it dripping down her shoulder and puddle on the floor. Charming. Using my corrections and "No!" when she tries to pull again, I flip her ear again and squirt just as she cocks her head back, smacking my arm and causing the solution to squirt across my chest. My t-shirt is now sporting a cucumber-melon version of the Nike logo and my house smells like a cheap day spa. I back her up to the wall, hoping to block off one avenue of escape, give corrections and commands, and actually manage to squirt a sizable amount into her right ear. She immediately flips her head around, showering the walls, door and me in a fine spray of ear meds. While she is analyzing this bizarre feeling, I swing left and squirt solution into the other ear. Success! And I only used half of the bottle on two ears!
We are both so exhausted at this point she probably would have let me do an entire appendectomy on her and said "Yeah, whatever." Her big brown eyes are still the size of dinner plates and she is panting like she just finished a marathon. I feel so awful, but am happy to get at least some of the meds in her ears. "I'm sorry, Leila." I tell her. "I'm just trying to help you." She looks at me in that sorrowful way but still can spare a tail wag for me. It's as if she says, "It's okay, mom. In all my panic, I peed all over your travertine floor."
Who's the bitch now???
